Shocks and surprises

We all have a sense of reality that puts ourselves as the main character of the story of our life. I know I do. In the narrative of my life, I’m not a genius, but I’m generally competent and can navigate the world most of the time in the direction I want.

And y’all probably feel that way, too.

Poor souls, you’re just one degree from losing all dignity. It’s not a bad thing. It will keep you humble.

How? Go to a place where you are nowhere near proficient with the language. At least two things will happen:

1) You’ll be entertainment for the locals.

2) You’ll feel a mountain of triumph accomplishing the most basic tasks an average 10 year old can do.

Oh, I should add you’ll improve your charade gesturing and sound effect skills. Here’s a representation. Text in [] convey thought and action.

“Good morning, ma’am. Does you [who I address in formal and unfamiliar manner] help my need…

a plastic…bag…

[um, uh]…

[pinch thumb and index finger together of one hand, touch webbing between thumb and index finger of opposite hand]…

ZEEEEEP! [with simultaneous quick gliding of pinched fingers along length of index finger]”

When the store employee gives the face of recognition while saying, “Ah. Si”, you get the sensation that is as rewarding as catching a slippery bar of soap in the shower. (You know what I’m talking about. It is that micro-dose of executed athleticism that doesn’t need spectators.)

Speaking of soap…

Our hotel has no supply of bar soap at the moment. Sure, they have condiment size liquid gel packs. I mean, yeah, it’ll make suds. Still, not enough for those of us that actually Rinse and Repeat.

Challenge accepted. Got a whole list of stuff to get from the “supermercato” already. (Disclaimer: when you’re in the center of a European city, put the notion of a supermarket as an emporium of all manner of consumables in a building footprint big enough for raising horses out of your mind. Think about the size of a gas station convenience store.)

Well, as I was getting ready, the hotel staff informed me their logo’ed cracker-size bars of soap were delivered this morning. Though I was ready to present them with visual accents as I ask, “Where is the hard soap on people to clean bodies?”, my wife’s needs still required shopping.

Not successful. Apparently, after-shower, spray-on, leave-in hair conditioner is not a thing in Euroland. A constant stare of astonishment by the locals persisted as I strung together “hair”, “smooth”, “soft”, “shower”, “wet”—plus my spray motion and hissing sound effects. I might as well have tried to explain the Electoral College, since each employee I engaged told me, “no, sir, we do not have” in the way a psychiatric technician humors a residential patient.

Anyway, let me close by telling you something shocking. Some places look bigger on tv than in real life, like the “Tonight Show” studio. (Yes, I camped out years ago at the Burbank studio when Jay Leno had the job.)

St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City? Uh, no. It’s the complete opposite. Some who read this are Roman Catholic. Others are various Protestant denominations. Atheists and agnostics are also represented.

No matter your voodoo, you must experience this. Even those who hate the papacy so much they would cheer for Satanic Ouija University and their mascots, the Fighting Incubi, over Notre Dame should see what a few gold pieces and architectural virtuosos could do.